The Thousand-Yard Stare

“It must be so nice to be home,” Josefita chirped, walking through Waterfront Park, holding her boyfriend’s hand. “Isn’t it, Billy? You get to see your daughter again… and all your friends… and me…”

“Uh, yeah,” Billy muttered. He put his arms around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head, but he stared at something a thousand yards away.

He’d been different since he got back from jail. Quieter, distant. He’d been acting like his usual gregarious self around his friends, but Josefita could tell he was putting on a show. When they’d had sex (for the first time in forever), he seemed like he was just going through the motions. Something had happened to him. And Josefita had a feeling she knew what.

“It’s about damn time they let you out,” she added. “You didn’t belong in jail. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Mm-hm.”

Josefita stopped walking and turned to face Billy. “Something wrong, sweetie?”

Billy shrugged. “M’fine.”

He was lying. Josefita bit her tongue so hard she tasted blood. Resisting with all her might the urge to call bullshit, she rested her head on his shoulder, grabbed his arm, and said, “I love you.”

After walking silently for a few moments, Billy stopped. They were far away from anyone else. He turned to her. “Hey, Chepita?”

“Yeah?” Josefita’s voice broke. She knew what was coming.

Billy wrapped his arms around her and pulled her super-close. “How much do you love me?”

“Unconditionally,” she told him.

“This guy in jail… he…”

“I know.” Josefita looked up at him. “You’ve been acting really different since before you got out. I figured something had happened.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Didn’t have to think too hard to figure out what.”

Billy was silent for a moment. The look in his eyes was like all the life had been sucked out of him. Finally, he said, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?” Josefita sputtered. Speechless for once in her life, she turned on her heels and ran.

“Josefita!” Billy shouted after her. “Where are you going?”

Josefita ran back to him, trembling with fury, and said in a low voice, “I’m going to go to Ellison’s house, get his daddy’s gun, drive up to that jail, and make sure that sonofabitch will never rape anyone again, if you know what I mean.”

“Josefita, don’t,” Billy pleaded. “Don’t get in trouble over me. It’s not worth it.”

“It is worth it,” Josefita yelled, her voice getting louder with each word. People were staring, but she didn’t care. “You’re worth it! I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, BILLY!!”

She was sick and tired of her boyfriend being used as someone’s sexual sport. He wasn’t a fucking blow-up doll. He was her sweet and precious boyfriend, and he was a human being! He deserved to be respected and loved, not abused! Josefita burst into tears and punched the fence. She couldn’t even protect him. “Dammit, dammit, dammit!”

Billy reached over and wiped the tears from her face. “I’m so sorry.”

Josefita grabbed his hands and said, “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“I’m sorry I let your sweetheart get hurt.”

“Please don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.” Josefita wrapped her arms around Billy’s waist and rested her head on his chest. “I love you, baby.”

“Still?”

“Hell yes.” She looked up and asked, “Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask permission,” was Billy’s reply.

“I don’t – I don’t want to do something you don’t want me to do.” Josefita was terrified. She didn’t know what to do. She’d sort of dealt with what happened when Billy was a teenager, but this was so recent and fresh. She remembered the shame on his face when he’d told her about Jack and Mary Lynn. He probably felt that times twenty now.

“Yeah, you can,” Billy told her.

Josefita leaned up, kissed him softly on the lips (she’d missed that so much), and whispered, “You’re gonna be okay, Billy.”

“No, I’m not,” Billy replied, his voice as lifeless as his eyes.

“Yeah, you are,” Josefita. “You wanna know how I know?”

“How?” Billy asked sarcastically.

“Because whatever you’re going through, I’m going to be right alongside you going through it with you,” she told him. “I will be right here. Remember what I said when you told me about those other two bastards?”

“We’re in this together,” Billy whispered.

“Damn right we are.” Josefita put her hand on Billy’s cheek. “Hey, we’re going to get through this together, okay? I’m here whenever you need me. You’re not alone. I love you to pieces, and whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it. I’m here for you.”

“Don’t you want to be with someone better?” Billy asked.

“Better?” Josefita asked. What could be better than him? He was sweet and smart and funny and totally devoted to her. And a wonderful father to his little girl. And drop-dead gorgeous. He wasn’t perfect – he was reckless and stubborn and had a sketchy past (which led to him getting railroaded and shoved in jail for something he didn’t do by fuckhead police too lazy to do their job) – but he was close enough Josefita.

“Yeah. You know. A guy who’s not a –”

Josefita covered Billy’s mouth with her hand. “No. Wrong. Don’t say it. You’re not.” When he licked her hand, Josefita took it away and giggled. “Feeling better?”

Billy grinned, revealing his cute crooked overbite. “I always feel better with you.”

“Good. That’s what I’m here for, babe.” She checked the watch he’d given her. “Oh, shit. I need to get home in ten minutes. Come on, let’s go, baby!”

“You won’t tell anyone, right?” Billy stammered.

“Probably just Della,” Josefita admitted. “You know I tell her everything. She’ll probably end up killing the guy, though.” Della, Josefita’s older sister and closest confidant, thought the sun rose and set on Billy.

“I guess Della’s fine.”

“Hey, you want to come over for dinner? My family missed you.”

“Even Pete?” Billy asked. Josefita’s overprotective older brother wasn’t exactly president of the Billy Maguire Fan Club. Especially not since Billy got sent away, even though he was innocent.

“Well, then, Pete can go fuck himself,” Josefita replied nonchalantly. Pete was pretty stubborn, but so was she. Josefita grinned and Billy. “Hey, race you there!”

Billy took off running. “You’re on!”

Josefita tried to catch up with him, even though he was a much faster runner. They stopped outside her house on Battery to catch their breath.

“I sure could use a home-cooked meal,” Billy said. He lived with his daughter and a couple of friends in a crappy motel room, and pretty much subsisted on ramen noodle, takeout, and gift shop snacks. That wasn’t even taking into account the sorry state of the prison food. He’d lost at least five pounds in the four months he’d been away, and he was pretty skinny to begin with.

Josefita reached out and hugged him. “Everything’s gonna be okay in time, honey. Okay? You’re gonna be okay.”

Billy put his arms around her waist and kissed her on the lips. “I sure hope so, babe.” He paused. “We’re in this together, ain’t we?”

“Damn straight we are, honey. We are in this together.”